#4: The Ivy Review

The IvyIt has almost become fashionable to say that the Ivy isn't what it was. Mrs BM ponders this on her blog. But I am not so sure myself - I think it is more that standards have risen elsewhere. I had a bit of a nosey on London Eating and it is true there were quite number of negative reviews (too expensive, poor food, bad service) but when I read pish like the following I realise why I rarely take much notice of them:

"The other member of our party commented that the burger he had at the Gourmet Burger Company was far superior to what he was presented with at the Ivy."

Are you having a bubble bath? Next time give Burger Monkey a call - I'll pay for your companion to get a rickshaw down to Frith Street where he'll be much happier and will free up a seat in the Ivy for someone who wants it. This is what economists call a Pareto improvement.

The truth (and when I say truth I mean my opinion) is the Ivy remains a benchmark for restaurants in London. It has, I think, achieved this through offering a solid menu of unfussy but well executed classics, a buzzing dining room and service which is devoid of the froideur and pomposity of many top establishments. On this occassion Mrs BM and I were excellent company of Wyndham and Sarah, serious Ivy regulars who go back time and again for these very reasons.* While the A-list are not quite as ubiquitous at the Ivy as they used to be - many now opting for the opulence and privacy of the exclusive Ivy Club next door - this is still one hot table and mere mortals (myself included) will have to book many weeks in advance.

But enough of the circumlocutions, let's get down to burgers.

I ordered the burger as specced on the menu and cooked medium rare. You'll see from the clandestine piccie that it is served in a toasted bun with a disc of tomato, a chopped relish of onions and a spear of pickle on the side. The char-grilled burger was evenly pink and clearly hand-made given its texture. The patty had the pleasingly savoury quality of a burger made from good beef. There wasn't any cheese - they would have added it if asked but that would have broken the rule that I review it as it comes. I am pleased to report that it both fits in mouth and retains structural integrity.

One fun touch is the gravy boat of  club sauce, a 60/40 mix of ketchup and american mustard. This is a fine concotion and gives you something nice to dip your fries into. Speaking of which the fries at the Ivy are top flight, light-straw coloured, thin, crispy and outrageously expensive.

The main rub is that if you are at the Ivy and you are going to lay some cash out, why order the burger which is good - when you could order the shepherds pie, the kedgeree, the fish and chips or steak tartare which are sublime? And if you want a great burger there are better to be had elsewhere - indeed The Automat burger is better (and cheaper) even if the restaurant overall is not.  
  
For the beancounters: The recession seems to have passed this place by entirely. Indeed the prices here have been inexorably rising by a few quid here or a few quid there. The burger has been a classic example of these Gordon Brownesque stealth price rises. I understand that not so long ago the burger cost £12 and included fries. The burger now weighs in at £13.75 - before fries (or pommes allummette as they are called here) are added for a further £4.00. That makes this £17.75 or nearly $30. This is probably enough to give American readers a nosebleed. But hey, it's a free market - I give you the information and you can make your own decision.

Service: excellent Toilets: Cheddar, as if I didn't know.

* I recommend Wyndham's pithy Tweets on London's restaurants. Far more to the point than my ramblings. Sarah is a cultcha person and you can find her on Twitter here - she's got followers and everything.

The Ivy, 1-5 West Street, London, WC2H 9NQ.  Tel: 020 7836 4751

Warren Buffett

Warren likes a burgerIn my review of Automat I mentioned that the only thing I knew about Nebraska was that Warren Buffett lives there. Well it turns out that he really loves a hamburger.  Here is an interview with an old friend of his, David Gottesman, on BBC which contains the following insight:

"All he really wanted was hamburgers...he loves hamburgers. Ocassionally a ham sandwich or something like that but mostly hamburgers...Warren's very good at knowing what works for him and he sticks with it"

Well if it works for him, it can work for me too.

#3: JD Wetherspoon, Wilton Road Review

JD Wethspoons

Before I talk about the burger I should explain why it is on the list at all. There are two reasons. First is Wetherspoon’s reach – there are over 400 JDW freehouses in the UK. I would hazard a guess that Spoons probably flogs more burgers than anyone in the UK bar the globocorps - and most big towns have at least one.

The second is nostalgia. In sixth form, the dash down to Wetherspoons for their beer and burger deal, back then sensationally priced at £2.99, during lunch was something of a ritual. This continued through university where ‘Spoons could be relied on to provide meat, carbohydrate and beer at low prices. So it was with some interest that I returned to eat in a ‘Spoons for the first time in ages. Even though each of their freehouses is supposed to individual they all have an essential familiarity – they all smell the same, they mostly have sticky tables and garish carpets. 

My fellow burgernaut on this occasion was schoolmate Ross, who was recovering from having his eyes chopped open and having a death ray discharged into them. A convalescing man deserves a good meal, especially if off booze on doctor’s orders. But unfortunately, and I’m sorry I can’t put this more eloquently, the food was just crap. The chips were poor; tasting like bog-standard frozen food-service numbers so familiar of institutional catering. On the side was a thimble of relish that left no impression save cloying sugariness.  

And then the burger. It wasn’t small - but in this case that would have been a mercy.  The patty was a dense grey lozenge. It tasted like cheap mince, the stuff that you have dug out of the back freezer after 15 months, defrosted in the microwave before forming into a blob without seasoning and then throwing on to some heat source. The tomato was insipid, the lettuce limp. The bun was ok, but became soggy not from delicious meaty juices (of which there were none - the only juice I could get from the burger was clear fat) but rather from the salad. It was also impaled on an utterly needless spike. For those with a strong contitutution pics are in the gallery.

And then I remembered what we used to do. Load the burger up with ketchup and mustard to try and pep it up. So I did. But this was a lost cause. 

I don’t want to be a downer on JDW: it has championed decent British ale and food at low prices and has, I think, generally driven standards higher in the licensed trade. But for the love of God! Can I get through 47 more of these? I am going to get all Obama and say YES I CAN. Because the next stop might be The Ivy. And that will cheer me up.

PS: About £6, with a beer. Cheap but not, in this case, cheerful.

The Willow Walk, 25 Wilton Rd, London, SW1V 1LW

#2: Greedy Cow Review

Greedy Cow

My second review takes us from Mayfair to Mile End, a rough and ready corner of the East End. I was accompanied by Mrs BM, Danny and Laura all nobly giving up their time to help a mate out. 

The restaurant was clean but a little characterless, the sort with lots of dark wood and beige – a bit like dining inside a mocchachino. We ordered milkshakes which were pretty good and I felt that we might be in for a treat. The menu had a good range of burgers, including a build-your-own option and hand-cut thick ‘greedy chips’. Danny took advantage of the build-your-own option, ordering a ludicrous construction topped with Cumberland sausage.  

The rest of us stuck with the programme and ordered cheeseburgers, medium rare. The food was as pretty as a picture. The build was ciabatta, rocket, mayonnaise, burger, cheddar, tomato, onion. The restaurant had Heinz Ketchup (tick), but only English mustard (boo).   

It started well - I could pick the thing up and get it in my mouth. Inside there was perfectly cooked and nicely meaty burger (6oz). The thing held together well. But after one or two mouthfuls it became clear that there was something seriously awry.

It was the instant feeling of leadenness that led to the realisation that this was a burger from the Pret a Manger school of sandwich making: taking something that might otherwise be quite nice and slathering it with so much mayonnaise that everything else suffocates in an eggy, oily emulsion. Mrs BM had to discard her bread so laden was it with white goo – was there a guy in the kitchen applying this stuff with a caulk gun?

The combination of very thick chips (which in themselves were perfectly delicious), ciabatta and all that mayonnaise was just too much. This was a disappointment – as Greedy Cow was close to being really pretty good. I guess the ciabatta is a USP and some might like the idea a slipper of Italian starch round their cow. I don’t  – and this simply served to reinforce my view that you shouldn’t mess with the bread formula too much. But the volume of mayo was a shocker, and you’ll be able to see from the picture just a hint of what was contained inside.

It was about £6.50 for a cheeseburger, with sides at around £2.50. Four people ate with sides, milkshakes and a couple of odds and for just under £50. Not massively expensive, but equally not one that I can recommend at the moment.     

Greedy Cow, 2 Grove Road, Mile End, London, E3 5AX. Tel: 020 8980 7011

#1: Automat Review

Automat collageMy journey began in upscale Mayfair joint Automat. If it continues on a similar course I will end up happy, fat, quite probably drunk and almost certainly destitute. We had an early table on Friday and it was quiet - the only noise were the staff faffing about and music from American Diner Classics Volume 23. Before long though, the restaurant was buzzing with youngish people with black credit cards and a taste for expensive grilled meat. 

After cocktails and starters we went in for the Automat cheeseburger. It was a very good effort - hot crisp french fries, a toasted sesame bun, a top draw 10oz US beef burger, a squidge of nicely melted cheese, round lettuce, tomato, gherkin, and red onion. Heinz Ketchup and French's mustard supplied but not applied. We ordered ours medium, and I would say it was a little pink for medium but no biggy - I like bloody beef.

The burger passed the 'fit in mouth test' and 'stucutural integrity test'. It started a cheeseburger, and finished a cheeseburger. The bottom half of the bun pleasingly soaked up the juice from the burger without falling apart. So top marks there - knives and forks were not required.  

For those of you obsessed by provenance, Automat tells us that their beef is corn-feed premium USDA from Nebraska. The only thing I know about Nebraska is that Warren Buffet lives there, so these cows probably had opinions on the global economy. But they clearly didn't count on strong demand on the London markets for USDA beef. Anyway the food miles were worth it.  

This is not a credit-crunch stuff - £14 for the cheeseburger. Chuck in a bottle of very enjoyable Argentinian Malbec and some other stuff and two people are easily in for a ton. On the other hand if you just wanted a burger and a coke you could do it for under £25 and still have a very enjoyable meal.

PS for those of you that care about service: the waiting staff were fine but the greeting at the door rude. Mrs Burger Monkey and I arrived seperately and both agreed. They couldn't even be arsed to show her to the table at the back of the restaurant. Sort it out Automat - this is hospitality 101, especially at this money.

See pics in the Gallery

Automat, 33 Dover Street, London, W1S 4NF. Tel: 0207 499 2682